


The Ultimate Cash Crop

by Hllangel



Category: Nextwave (Comic)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-23
Updated: 2012-12-23
Packaged: 2017-11-22 04:16:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/605716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hllangel/pseuds/Hllangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which pointsettias are surprisingly similar to broccoli.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ultimate Cash Crop

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ballpoint](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ballpoint/gifts).



> __  
> Q: Oh look! We're back!  
>  A: In a manner of speaking.  
> Q: What is NEXTWAVE?  
> A: You're serious? You're reading a piece of fanfic, and you're asking what the canon is?  
> Q: Humor me. This is Yuletide. Could be people reading that aren't well versed in comics. Except for the Avengers. We hear they're pretty popular these days.  
> A: Monica used to run the Avengers.  
> Q: We know. She still won't shut up about it.  
> A: That wasn't a question, game over. Everybody go home.  
> Q: We weren't playing a game, so the rules don't apply. Let's start over: Who are the NEXTWAVE SQUAD?  
> A: The NEXTWAVE squad is made up of Aaron Stack, Elsa Bloodstone, Tabitha Smith, and The Captain, led by Monica Rambeau. That's all I'm telling you. Except that Aaron is a robot whose brain runs on beer and Monica hates broccoli. They all hate broccoli men. Go check Wikipedia for the rest. You're already online.  
> Q: Why are they agents of H.A.T.E.?  
> A: They're not. They took down the Beyond Corporation and split.  
> Q: Superhero work isn't for everyone.  
> A: Are you implying that the NEXTWAVE Squad aren't Superheroes? Because they are. Big Damn Heroes. I can call them all and have them prove it to you. With fire and explosions. They're fond of those things. Tick Tick ---  
> Q: There's ... ah... no need for that. Just tell me why we're here again?  
> A: Because we have it on good authority that members of the squad formerly known as NEXTWAVE are having drinks today. Weird **** always goes down when that happens. Now stop asking me inane questions and GO READ THE FIC.

December 24th. Christmas Eve. For people that follow almost any version of Christianity. For everyone else, it's the second to last day of the massively annoying commercial season.

The Aeromarine. Former headquarters of H.A.T.E. Former floating submarine, now earthbound and held together by duct tape.

The outer solar reflective panels have been repurposed as grow lights over a field. From the outside it looks like just another giant hunk of metal.

Inside, something stirs in the dirt. Hungry. And angry.

They're always angry. It's a thing.

The Captain downs his shot. "Remind me why I answered the phone again?"

"Because Monica can reach through the phone and slap you if you say no," Tabby says.

"I need more beer," Aaron says. "And another straw. This one melted."

Tabby puts her head on her hand. It brings her mouth closer to her own straw. Less effort to drink. "This is why you should bring your own straw when we go out. This happens every time."

"She's late," Elsa says. "She's always late."

"Is she working with the Avengers again? They don't know the meaning of on time."

"Neither would we if Monica hadn't bribed Aaron here with a keg to fix our phones to shock us. Every time we buy a new one," The Captain says. "Or even if it's smashed to pieces. I gave up after a shard from the fifth one kept doing it."

"I need beer. My brain doesn't work without beer."

"You don't have a brain," says Monica. She's standing in the doorway, hands on her hips, coat flowing in the wind. She's also got a backlight from the streetlamp directly across the way.

"**** shut up, fleshy one," Aaron says as he unwraps a new straw and sticks it in his forehead.

Elsa leans back and crosses her arms. "Why are we here? We took down the Beyond Corporation. And there are monsters to hunt. Lots of Monsters. Bloody Monsters. In Europe."

Monica sits down at the last open seat. After shoving The Captain's feet off of it. "It's team bonding. Mandatory."

"OMG we're not even a team anymore." Tabitha said, before going back to her phone call. "OMG you wouldn't believe what's going on here.... No really, I mean it's totally weird.... I'll call you next week."

Everyone ignored her after that.

"Why are we doing this again?" The Captain asks. "Boom girl is right. We were only a team because of H.A.T.E.. But H.A.T.E. is gone. There's no more H.A.T.E."

"Just because Beyond is gone doesn't mean we aren't needed. Team Bonding keeps us sharp. When I ---"

"Ran the Avengers," everyone finishes.

"We'd do this every week. All the time. Mostly it got interrupted by Dr. Doom or someone, and it was never the same after Iron Man stopped drinking, but we still did it. It's good for the soul."

"I don't have a soul," Aaron says. "Don't think Elsa does either."

Elsa nods. "Soul-free here. Got it torn out by a Golem last year. Hardly felt a thing. Barely even noticed that it was gone until a month later."

"Well the rest of us do, so sit down, shut up and bond."

Tabby pulls her phone away from her ear long enough to say, "She means drink, dumbasses."

"That we can do," The Captain says. He gives a lazy salute before downing another shot.

Aaron stares at his glass. "I need another straw."

*****

Tabby has moved on to texting furiously when she suddenly says, "Monica did you close the door?"

Monica shrugs. "Shoulda closed behind me."

"Then why is that plant twitching?" Tabitha points at a totally innocuous poinsettia sitting on a shelf above the table. She points at it, "Tick Tick."

"No booms indoors," Monica says. "Did you learn nothing from that lawsuit last year?"

"Why does this **** only happen when we get together?" Elsa asks. "Nine times out of ten I have to track down monsters. When we get together I have to jump out of the way."

"Before blowing them to hell," Tabitha says. "Tick tick."

Aaron stretches out his arm, turns his hand to a chainsaw and slices the thing in half before she can get out the _boom_.

"There. Taken care of. No property damage."

"I know I have a brown thumb, but I don't think the roots of those things are supposed to be silver," Monica says.

Elsa looks up from the gun she's polishing. Just in case. "Or moving." Half a second later she's fired at the slithering silver roots, and then twice more into the wall. For good measure.

Monica picked up her drink just in time to see the plant at the next table grow legs and launch itself at their table.

"Boom," Tabitha finishes, and the thing bursts into flames, showering them all in burning dirt and grit.

"That's two now," Aaron says. "There has to be more."

"Oh bloody ****," Elsa says. "There's more."

Every poinsettia suddenly grows arms and legs and jumps at them.

Monica knocked over her chair as she jumped to her feet. "Avengers! ... uh..."

"We're not assembling," Tabitha says, tucking her phone into her pocket. "Tick tick."

They all duck as another five explode.

"Ok, something is definitely going on here. I haven't been attacked by this many plants since the broccoli men," The Captain says, scratching his head. "These guys seem just as disposable." He reaches out and smacks a new one into the wall.

Monica looks over to the door, and finds that there's a battalion of flower pots with legs marching in. "Aaron, track the ****ers, everyone else, destroy."

A second later, Aaron's ripped the legs and arms off one of the pots and is holding the leaves (head?) captive with one hand while sawing through the pot to get at the roots. "If I melt down the core and reverse the polarity of the microns in the reactor core we can track the things."

"I literally don't understand a word of that," Elsa says. "But can we kill them now or should we bag them and kill them later?"

"Kill them now," Aaron says. "With lots of fire. They're like the broccoli men, I think. The parts look the same."

"No wonder this feels familiar," Monica says. "Plant people never come after me when I'm with the Avengers. Giant robots made of airplanes, sure. But not plants."

Tabitha is holding her phone with one hand and shooting fire into the kitchen with the other. "Let's go. This place is about to blow."

She's the last one out the door. "Boom."

****

When they finally get a moment to see through the cloud of potted plants aimed at their heads, they find that Aaron's tracking is completely unnecessary. They poinsettias are marching down the street in a long line. But they like to let Aaron feel needed, so they let him lead the way, and they fight their way through without him.

"Is that what I think it is?" Aaron says when they find the source. "Pull!" He says, as he tosses the plant he's been using as a tracker. Elsa shoots it down.

"Someone's a bit too fond of duct tape," Monica says.

"It fixes everything," the Captain says. "Even Aaron."

Aaron turns. "You were sworn to secrecy on that!"

"Boys. We've got bigger problems," Tabitha says. "Can I blow up the duct tape aeromarine yet? We all know that's where this is gonna end. I have a phone call to make."

"When don't you?" Elsa asks, before turning to Monica. "She's right though. It's time to start shooting."

As she's drawing up her guns, something steps out of what looks like a hole in the middle of the hull, but which is probably functioning as a door since the thing doesn't look like it actually flies these days.

"What the **** is this?"

_I am the AutoMatic Infinity. I am here to carry on the mission of the Beyond Corporation for eternity. Nothing can stop me!_

Monica squints at the AutoMatic, and leans over, half whispering to the others, "Is he made of duct tape, too?"

The Captain shrugs. "It's strong stuff. Indestructible. It'll certainly last for eternity."

"Unless we burn it. Can I burn it?"

"You can burn it," Monica says. "It should burn easily enough. Burn the rest of it, too. No more broccoli."

****

They sit in the one untouched booth in the burned out shell of the bar they were in before the plants attacked. They're passing around a bottle of vodka, while Aaron's pulled a keg out of the basement and plugged the siphon into his forehead.

"We should probably stop doing this," Elsa says. "I don't like being hunted by monsters. Only happens when I'm with you lot."

"I don't get attacked when I'm on my own," Tabitha agrees.

"So that's it?" The Captain asks. "We never see each other again?"

"If I learned anything from leading the Avengers it's that no matter how many times we call it quits, we'll all be back."

Aaron stands up and pulls the keg siphon out of his head. "I'm done. Goodbye, fleshy ones."

**Author's Note:**

> ## H.A.T.E.MAIL
> 
> **Merry Christmas to everyone reading this. If you don't celebrate Christmas, please replace the word Christmas with the winter holiday of your choice. I am the Lettermatic 7053, and I have been rebuilt in a dungeon by someone other than the Beyond Corporation and held hostage until I answer some letters. So here they are. No one said I had to be nice about it.**
> 
> *
> 
> When I said I was going to hand NEXTWAVE over to a new writer after twelve issues I never dreamed it would be such an amazing result. This is altogether one of the best comic books I've ever read. My own work can't hold a candle to this. Now please get that candle out of my face. I don't like fire.  
> \--Warren Ellis
> 
> **We cannot find the scissors. We will have to burn through these ropes.**
> 
> No, uh, that's ok. I'll just sit here until someone rescues me. They do know I'm gone, right?
> 
> **Insufficient data to answer. Please try again later.**
> 
> *
> 
> This makes me wish we had never cancelled NEXTWAVE. This is everything Superhero comics should be. I'm immediately canceling all new books. Hawkeye first. He doesn't even have superpowers, what's with that? With all that money we won't be paying to Fraction, we can track down Warren Ellis and get him to write more Nextwave.
> 
> Can I have my money now? You promised me money.  
> \--Joe Quesada
> 
> **Here's $1.36. It's all we could find in this basement.**
> 
> **** you. 
> 
> **We admit that we promised money. We never said how much. Thank you for your time. You may go. Now.**
> 
> *
> 
> A hole in time opened up and I got to read this fic before Yuletide officially went online. I was initially disappointed that I didn't get Young Avengers or Ultimates fic, but then I read this one and I loved it. It is everything I ever wanted in a NEXTWAVE fic. Now I just wish the timehole had been from a few days later so I knew who wrote this brilliant piece.  
> \--Jazzypom
> 
> **The Lettermatic 7053 invokes its rights against self-incrimination in regards to the timehole that may or may not have been specifically aimed at your computer. We admit no fault, but we are very sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you.**
> 
> **Merry Christmas.**
> 
> **Please see the introduction for instructions if this is not the correct greeting for you.**


End file.
